Editor's Weekly Ramblings 118

Friday 14th Oct 2005

The Gym Membership Trap!

I have just recently joined a fitness club near to where I live. Well, actually, 'recently' is a touch misleading. I actually joined back in May. Filled with good intentions, and 'I'm Ohhh Sooooo Clever' thinking. I opted for a cheaper membership (still not very 'cheap' mind at £47 a month!) where I could go monday to friday between 6am and 4.30pm. My thinking being that I would go before work, and that I didn't get much chance to go in the evenings in any case. So, I would build a firm, fantastic, fit and fabulous physique whilst saving cash into the bargain.

Good plan Jeeves?

Err...No. Fraid not. All that happened in practice is that I went a couple of times...Oh ok. I admit it. I didn't go at all for three months. It seemed that all my 'get fit' energy capacity was exhausted by that first visit to the gym to sign the legal documents and sign my unfit arse and my bank details over to their keeping for the next 12 months. I was so relieved at being 'saved' from a life of slothfulness, that I never got around to getting up at 6am and doing my 'dynamic thang' for three months.

In truth, gym memberships strike me as being very similar to those films where the devil offers you three wishes in return for your soul. The 'lucky guy' offered the deal 'Ummms' and 'Ahhhs' about it for a while. Then thinks about his current crappy life. No sex, rubbish job, small flat, no money, horrible neighbours, 1 inch penis etc. And decides that in return for sex like Hugh Hefner has, Editorship of Playboy, living in a mansion next door to the Osbournes, with the wealth of Bill Gates and a ten inch monster singing 'I'm A Soul Man' by James Brown. That a 'small thing' like a soul (which after all you can't even see) is a small price to pay.

He then starts thinking along the same 'sneaky' lines as I did when calculating which membership option was best. He makes the shrewd calculation that he actually needs 6 wishes to fulfill that particular wish list, and so starts negotiating with the guy in the red horns for 'extra's' to be thrown in as a bonus. As soon as this happens the Devil KNOWS that he has a sale. It is no longer a question of whether or not the guy will sell his soul. The only question is what price he will extract for it.